It is very hard to interpret the will of The Lord. Just when you think, "oh okay, so that's why!", things end up changing again. And it is hard. But through Him, we can always prevail knowing that he has a plan in mind.
I preface what I'm getting ready to write with this: it has always annoyed me when people write deeply personal problems on Facebook and other social outlets. I'm getting ready to do exactly that though - why? #1: Because writing has always been therapeutic for me. And #2: because of a church service that changed my perspective on sharing your problems with others. Galations 6:2 tells us to share our burdens so that others' burdens may be lightened. If anyone can read this and have it help them, them, thenI feel like I'm doing my job.
As you knows we decided for me to stay home this year since I didn't land a new teaching job close to home. We really decided this was meant to be because we found out on vacation in June that I was pregnant with our third baby. BIG BIG BIG SHOCKER!!!! We wee stunned but excited at the same time. My first doctors appointment wouldn't take place until the end of July 25 - I was 9 weeks along.
All the month of July, we gained excitement. We moved the crib into our room, I bought some maternity clothes because I immediately started busting out of EVERYTHING, and Ella starting overhearing our talks and figured things out easily.
We went for our appointment on the 25th, and we were excited for what we were about to see on the ultrasound. We have always been very blessed with my past two pregnancies and we have two good, smart, sweet kids. Because of all of this,we were not expecting to see what we saw: nothing. As a mother, I knew immediately from looking at the screen that something was wrong. Everything had formed except for a baby. There was no baby inside of the gestational sac. The ultrasound tech was rapidly trying to shut things down, and my emotions were crashing down all around me. When she left the room, I was a wreck. Jerm got us out into the hallways where the staff told me to sit In a cushy hidden waiting room. When we entered the little room, there sat a pregnant lady with new ultrasound pics. No way did I want to sit in there because I didn't want to ruin her sweet moment with my sobs.
The doctor told me to have blood work done that day and more done for 4 days later to compare my levels. If my pregnancy levels dropped off, then that would mean I would miscarry what was inside of me. The following days were hellish. The waiting and unknown was torture. We got the dreaded phone call that my levels were dropping and they told me I could wait on my own to miscarry, and if I didn't by the following Friday, then they would schedule a D&C if I wanted to.
The following Friday rolled around, and things didn't change. My emotions were getting more settled by that point and I was thinking more clearly. We decided I would do the D&C because after another ultrasound, there still wasn't a baby.
The procedure took place yesterday and all went well. We have been praying for peace, and not so much for understanding because I feel that we will never understand until we meet our Creator of life some day. He just needed our baby to live with him and I accept that - its hard to accept, but I do.
We've told very few people about this, but some we have talked to have told us that they have experienced this before, or they know someone who has. In my opinion, people shouldn't be ashamed. They shouldn't be embarrassed. They shouldn't blame themselves. It's nature and its God's way of protecting the baby and family from further trauma. We love The Lord and trust in Him to show us the journey we should take with our family.
School starts next week, so we are now solely focused on spending these last few days with our sweet girl who's starting kindergarten, and on our sweet boy who's starting preschool. I feel so blessed that I get to be here for them. My husband has been great, even through his medic board prep, and this has brought us closer.
Here's some pieces of advice I have:
1: don't complain about being pregnant. It's hurtful to those who can't get pregnant, and it hurts those who have gone through a miscarriage. It's like a dagger to the heart.
2: don't diminish a woman's miscarriage by saying "well at least you already have kids". Yes we do, but it is still a loss. If we didn't already have our two kids, it would be harder, and I can't imagine going through this without already having kids.
3: don't avoid a woman who has miscarried. Luckily this hasn't happened to me - I have great friends and family who have checked on me daily through all of this.
4: always give thanks even in life's storms because He will carry you through, no matter what. (I can't imagine what people do during rough times that don't have Him to lean on! He's my saving grace!).
Please know I'm not writing this to be like "woe is me!". I doing so because I want others out there that are going through this to not feel alone. God is with us and He will never leave us. Thanks for listening!
